Sunday, September 7, 2008


In yesterday’s post, I told you that my sister’s family came over to celebrate my birthday.  After we ate last night, my grandma was still watching the program she had been waiting to see.  It was about Ruth Graham, Billy Graham’s wife.  She had it on for a while before realizing it wasn’t what she expected, so she switched over to the Cubs game.

Before she changed the channel, I happened to walk by and saw this at the bottom of the screen:

For a relationship with Jesus Christ call: 1-800-***-****.

I cracked up.  Then this dialogue ran through my head.

(Disclaimer: before divulging the content of the dialogue I imagined, let me make this statement.  I am in no way attacking any religion or anyone’s beliefs.  I am neither condemning nor condoning religion.  I am simply telling you what went through my slightly alcohol altered brain.)

Call Center:  Thank you for calling for a relationship with Christ, this is Moses, how can I help you?

Caller:  Hi Moses.  Wait, are you THE Moses?

Call Center:  Why yes, how can I help you today?

Caller:  Well, Moses, I saw the advertisement for a relationship with Jesus, so I thought I’d give you a call.  How can I talk to Jesus?

Call Center:  You can tell me what it is that you would like to tell Jesus, and I will pass it on.

Caller:  Wait, Moses, why can’t I talk to Him myself?

Call Center:  Well, that’s just not how it works.

Caller:  Why the hell not?

Call Center:  Language!

Caller:  Sorry, I just don’t understand why I can’t talk to Jesus.

Call Center:  It is against our policy to let callers speak directly to Him.

Caller:  Then how do I have a relationship with Him.  That is what you advertised, isn’t it?

Call Center:  Yes, but you cannot speak to Him directly.  We pass on your message and then Jesus will respond through one of us.

Caller:  So, you are the go between?  How do I know you are really talking to Jesus?

Call Center:  You just have to have faith.

Caller:  Hmmm.  Ok, but what if I don’t get a response when I need it.

Call Center:  If you need it by a certain date, put that in the message that we will pass along.

Caller:  I’m not sure I am comfortable with this.

Call Center:  It is somewhat like a fan club.  You do not generally speak to the person you are a fan of, but you have the satisfaction of knowing that you are part of a special group.

Caller:  What if I am not feeling satisfied?  If I pay to be a member of a fan club, at least I get some kind of letter from the band saying I am a valued member and I get a sticker or a t-shirt.  Will I get something showing I have a relationship with Jesus?

Call Center:  You should get some kind of sign.

Caller:  Oh.  Do you guarantee a relationship or is this just some kind of gimmick to get money from me?

Call Center:  No one can guarantee a relationship with Jesus.  It takes effort on your part.  You are not buying a television.  You are opening up the lines of communication.  The rest is on you.

Caller:  So you’re telling me I am just paying to get like a DSL to Jesus?  Should I upgrade to a cable modem?

Call Center:  That is entirely up to you.

Caller:  Hmm. Alright.  Sign me up.  I can always cancel if I’m not satisfied, right?

Call Center:  We don’t recommend it, but yes, that is your decision.

Caller:  Ok.  Sounds good.

Call Center:  Anything else I can help you with today?

Caller:  Um, no.  I don’t think so.  Hey, is it true that you were put in a basket and sent floating down river as a baby?

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